n. a kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxieties, but always ends up cracking under pressure or hollowed out by time—and will keep growing back again and again, until you develop a more sophisticated emotional structure, held up by a strong and flexible spine, built less like a fortress than a cluster of treehouses.
(NOTE: Thank you to Daryl Miko Chan who has willingly exchanged her Abnormal Psychology textbook with my portrait of her)
Okay so, I figured out that I’ve somehow made “responsibility” synonymous to “RED ALERT: DANGER APPROACHING” which now makes perfect sense why my dark circles now look like sink holes due to the constant resurfacing of my avoidant personality disorder (e.g. me walking in hallway + person familiar approaches + oh no she’s about to smile in recognition of my presence = me looking down/ me walking faster/ “why didn’t I bring a book to read to avoid eye contact”) and why I have become even more reclusive to date. I now only keep contact with 3 people (minus family, never can get rid of em).
My method of coping apparently: Operant Conditioning which does not help at all and only increases my accumulating anxiety of the world. So now bite me reality: Get cher butt off the couch, stop your incessant and overcritical self-evaluation (which I mistake for introspection until today), get over your social phobia and just start talking MOFO!
It’s kind of relieving now that I know I can start my introspection on things again and inward thinking because I’ve been feeling empty and very absent minded lately. Sort of like dead meat floating in unwarranted space. (Haha, I just had to mention that to justify this sort of nuance existing between my posts and blog title.) BLAH. and I just had to justify myself in order to appear CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and now just for not being too defensive. BLAH.